A journal entry from January
‘I found this entry, dated 7th January. I think it was the turning point, when I came back to me and started to fight back, reclaim what was mine. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the first step that led me to where I am today. This I know, I will never doubt myself again, I will return to this over the years and see my strength, and know that conquering my fears is how we take the power of fear away.’
A whole shiny new journal, a beautiful one at that, given with love, received with hope, a gift to cheer me up given all that is happening in life. It would be lovely to save it for better times, brighter days, but needs must, so I shall take full advantage of the pages ahead of me.
Now, more than ever, I need to pour words onto paper, allow myself the time to process my inner thoughts, what's happening, the trauma already lived for the last couple of months.
But, there is no reprieve, no pause to allow my brain to catch up, so I must use what tools I have to try keep up, to try find my way back to me, to see the joy, the glimmers, the absolute world of love and support that surrounds me, to calm my thoughts, feelings and myself, trusting my intuition and my knowing.
Feel the knowing and strength of mind that I have worked so hard to build, to learn to take a day at a time, to slow down, to just be, with no ego or label, no worry of what I am or what I do, to just be Alex, doing her best and finding the light and the hope during a tough time in life.
This too shall pass, this I know. It's a well-documented occurrence, it's just easy to forget at times. When your belief system has been shaken to its core, your body is weak and ill, your mind is foggy and unclear, breathing short and panicked, when a numbness sets in, a dream-like world suspended in disbelief.
How did this happen? How did I even get here? How did I go from the best year of my life to this? What did I neglect? Was I too smug, too happy? I know it doesn't work that way, but these are all of the thoughts running through my mind.
The happy memories bring with them tears, a grief that I can no longer do that. What if I can't ever do it again? The meander through trees, in the quiet, surrounded by nature and beauty, being at peace and carefree. The feeling of a wild swim, the feel-good high that follows. I miss that life, I miss my life, but I shall come back fighting, let that be known. It might take some time, it might not be pretty, but it will be authentic, it will be true, and there will be glimmers.
Fishing on a sunny riverbank, heading to the coast for the day, trips away, meanders to Holland, days in the garden, cuddles close and many, these things will return, I will make damn sure of it.
With this in mind we shall chalk today down to a good day, a new start, the beginning of the return to health, I have the tools, support, strength and people to get me through, I shall lean on them and take the help I need to get me through, I will rise again, just you see.