The Fear

It’s started. 

The anticipation, the little flashes. 

Reminders as the nights draw in, as the darkness starts to feel heavier. 

A scent in the air, a weight, whispers of the approaching autumn. 

I don’t always remember being afraid of the dark. But it’s like muscle memory, the thoughts and feelings of this time 12 months ago, the visceral feel of it comes back to haunt me. 

The memories of years of colder months mixed in with illness, pain and fear. The waters muddied, a feeling of overwhelm, flickers of a really dark place where I resided briefly. 

The thought is much worse than the reality, that I remind myself of. 

‘Check your evidence’ words from the wise ring in my ears. 

I know I shall make it through, of that I am sure. I no longer doubt my strength. 

But the deep desire to love every god damn minute of this thing called life has served me well and lit me up of late. 

And I’m hooked, I want to stay here, in this feeling. 

So, there is an element of fear, but fear cannot survive in the light, so I bring it here, to share and lighten the load, maybe help you on your way, knowing everyone has their fears, do not judge yourself based upon them, but on how you handle them in the end.